Letter From An Englishman Abroad

THIS PIECE FIRST APPEARED ON THE EVE OF THE SCOTTISH ELECTION IN 2007. DESPITE A NEW GOVERNMENT, NOTHING HAS CHANGED......

DEAR ALL,
It’s been another typical week in a Third World country. I went to do my shopping at the local supermarket yesterday morning, but you are banned from buying alcohol before 12.30 on a Sunday. I’m not sure whether there is a high incidence of drink-driving or drink-related violence on Sunday mornings in this country – there certainly is on just about every other day of the week – but it’s a bugger for anyone who wants to do their weekly big shop at a “quiet” time of the week.
I know, I should be used to such anachronisms here by now, but the fact that we’ve got electricity and cars sometimes fools you into thinking it’s a modern, 21st century country. But then you read about millions of litres of untreated sewage being accidentally pumped into an estuary near the capital city – as happened here last week – and realise it’s not.
The place is baying for independence too, which seems strange considering that its only viable natural resource – oil – will run out in about 30 years, and there is no trace of any other form of sustainable revenue in the whole country. The call for independence is just another symptom of the chronic nationalism that afflicts the country.

RABID

As most civilised countries have learned, nationalism is only a short step away from xenophobia and racism, yet here it is openly encouraged by politicians of all parties and the media. The “National Flag” flies everywhere, it adorns many house windows and car windscreens, and the country’s “national day” – April 6 – has become increasingly more rabid in the four years I’ve lived here. OK, I know the English get out their bunting and St. George flags whenever the World Cup is on, but this place looks like it’s perpetually on the verge of declaring war on its neighbours. You’d never know that nearly a fifth of the people living here are non-natives. These “incomers” – including myself – are often made to feel very excluded in the face of such rampant nationalism.
It also makes the country appear incredibly small-minded and parochial, as if anything that happens outside its borders or that involves a non-native is of no interest whatsoever. This petty attitude can be found in the national press every day.

LICE

Take yesterday’s Sunday Times, for example. You might think a story about the US Postal Service issuing some special stamps to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the first Star Wars film is about as exciting as lice. But the Sunday Times covered the story because three of the actors being featured on the stamps are Scottish. You might have heard of one of them – Ewan McGregor? The other two name-checked with palpable patriotic/parochial pride were Ray Parks and Ian McDiarmid. No, me neither.
The first paragraph, by the way, read: “Ewan McGregor, the Scots actor, is to be honoured……”(my italics). Notice how his nationality is considered of the utmost significance. A few pages on is another earth-shatteringly important story, this one about a nutritionist who is leading a campaign to save the goji berry. I know, it’s as if Iraq, Darfur and the hospital superbug had never happened. But the reason for this story’s significance could be gleaned from the first sentence: “Gillian McKeith, the Scots diet guru, is spearheading…..”(my italics).

MESS

Elsewhere in the same “quality” newspaper was a 1,00-word “story” about campers leaving a mess behind in some of “Scotland’s most pristine countryside”, accompanied by two big photographs and very little corroborating evidence. (One photo, for example, was a still from the movie Trainspotting featuring “Scots actor” Ewan McGregor, while the other showed a conveniently placed empty beer can next to a picnic bench).
Next to this was another “story” featuring a tenuous Tartan connection. According to it, the melting ice caps will open up new shipping routes between the North Atlantic and Pacific, necessitating the building of “a super harbour” in the Orkney Isles. This is all predicted to happen by the year 2050. As sensational revelations go, I’m sure you’ll agree this is well up there with the news Top Shop is issuing its customers with wristbands to prevent a stampede at the launch of its Kate Moss range this week.

BEER

Here’s some anecdotal evidence to prove how rife and suffocating the country’s parochialism is. I once spent a Friday night in a Scottish pub where the TV was tuned into Sky News, but with the sound turned down. I strained to read the headlines about the latest developments from around the world while the locals grew louder as they consumed vast quantities of beer. But at precisely 9.30 pm the din gave way to an expectant hush as the landlord changed channels and turned up the volume. I thought there might be a football match on so decided to hang around. In fact, it was an episode of a BBC Scotland “sitcom” about a pair of old Scottish codgers called Still Game. Laugh? I thought I’d never start. (Though the rest of the pub was convulsed in laughter for the next half hour. And it was a repeat)
Then, this week, I joined a debate on-line at Scotsman.com about the upcoming elections. I made the same point as mentioned above, that the Scottish media’s persistent obsession with the Scottish origins of people or events is verging on racism. Amongst the more considered replies I elicited were that I had committed an “outrageous slander on all Scots”, and “if ye dont like it... ye can always go hame”. Another comment, referring to a recent poll among Scots on independence, included this: “Of those responding that they want more powers in Scotland, only 4% said they personally disliked the English.” So that’s alright then. You can read the full comments here. (I signed myself as Davina’s Big Mouth, by the way.)

BINGO

The rest of the media is just as bad. There’s currently a TV ad promoting an on-line bingo company called BingoScotland. The slogan says it is for “bingo-loving Scots”. Which kind of excludes all those bingo-loving English, Welsh, Irish, Australian, Polish, Czech, Indian, Pakistani, Arab, etc., who live in the country.
Even leading figures from the country’s political and cultural scene aren’t immune to this arrogance. Recently, the country’s First Minister, Jack McConnell, was interviewed by a tabloid newspaper. After all the boring political stuff, he was asked a question about whom he would be voting for on The X-Factor. He replied: “I usually vote for the Scots.” Imagine if, asked the same question, Tony Blair had replied: “I usually vote for the English.” The X-Factor is not about race nor nationality nor origin. It’s about talent. Yet here was the leader of the government reducing it to an issue of race. It couldn’t have been any worse if he’d said: “I usually vote for whites.”

INTOLERANCE

So I wrote him a letter. There’s enough casual racism in this country as it is without Scotland’s First Minister adding to the mix. I wrote: “Comments of this nature are adding to an unfortunate climate of intolerance in Scotland, where English fans were beaten up during the World Cup.”
In his reply, McConnell claimed his comment “did not exclude all non-Scots living in Scotland.” He wrote: “I think there has been a general agreement in Scotland over the last 20 years or so that the term Scots referred to all who live in Scotland regardless of their origin.”

I find this presumptuous and arrogant. If this country allowed me to buy wine from my local Morrisons on a Sunday morning, could churn out better sitcoms than Still Game and could stop all its shit from being pumped into the sea, then I might not mind being called a Scot. But until then, I most emphatically do.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I can smell the distinctive aroma of Mars Bar being dipped in chip fat wafting through from the kitchen, which means lunch is nearly ready.
Love, Jack.
© Jack Havana 2007. Reproduction in part or whole prohibited without Jack’s say-so.
This week, it’s the Scottish elections, so…..
….if you’re thinking of voting Labour, please read this: How This Man Is Turning Scotland Into The Laughing Stock of The World.
…if you’re thinking of voting SNP, please read this: Does My Bomb Look Big In This?
…if you’re thinking of voting Lib-Dem, please read this;

...and if you're thinking of voting Conservative, please click here.